That fussy yet grateful moment

It’s midnight and the past couple days I’ve been feeling the discomfort of the achy burns I get. It comes and goes in different areas like the wrists and elbows or my legs, feet and knees. I usually don’t sleep well when I feel this. I took more pain medication and I’m sipping warm tea so I can fall asleep soon. Actually, I have a med for that too. I’m all sorts of fussy yet all sorts of gratefulness. The fussy comes in when I can’t figure out if it’s perhaps a medication that springs about my sharp pains still or the fact that I am not on a strict diet anymore. But even when I was strict dieting I still felt pain although I felt it helped some—it still came back in the night/mornings and I also lost too much weight and got this no good patulous eustachian tube ear dysfunction. I went down to 96 lbs. I’m barely 5 feet tall and 3 inches. That was not good.

6974caabe067b1d2b8b699f7c13c2f1fThe gratefulness comes in when I think, “It could be so much worse Sav. Pull it together.” Worse, I could still be taking prednisone (if you’ve taken it or are on it you know what I mean). I was doing fine once I started taking this arthritis relief medication along with my other lupus med and now I seem to be slightly heading backwards. I think I could be having a minor flare but I don’t know why. It’s medication, mixed medications, food, or a lack of a specific food right? Alternatively, it’s just Lupus being Lupus. Maybe it’s all of the above. At least I can say I went almost a month without a flare up. Praise God.

I’m thinking of one of the nights I lived in Colorado and I was watching the moon and how it shined on the mountains. I remember it vividly because it was a couple of days after they diagnosed me with SLE and I had spent a good portion of the day asking God what to do with this up and down pain and also feeling so confused as to why God wasn’t allowing me to give 100% to my job at the time. I was working with special needs children and near the end I was barely able to forcefully hold their little hands let alone even pick them up to put them on a swing. Then I looked up at the moon and it was just so bright it almost felt like I was looking at the sun. Though I was chilly, (I think I was running a fever at the time) I was feeling His sweet, warm presence all around me. I became content, just so content. He wasn’t not allowing me to do anything, it was just something He knew I could handle and it was my own poor perspective on the matter.

It’s safe to say that in my relationship with Jesus I am much like that little girl that doesn’t want to let go of her favorite teddy bear because of comfort but God is holding an even bigger teddy bear behind Him saying, “Just trust me.” I relate that with my life. What used to be comfortable, is not so comfortable anymore, but I know God has something greater in store for me.

I’m also thinking of the days I went on a light jog by my place and jogged by deer. I suppose I’m thinking of places that brought joy to me. Mountains, woods, lakes . . . those are my happy places– especially the smell of pine trees. Then I think of being grateful. Here I am back in Texas and I have one of the greatest things in life to be grateful for—my family’s love. I may not be hiking in the mountains, or fishing on a Colorado lake but I’m being loved and this is a happy place in my heart.

It could just be much worse but it’s not right now so I’ll continue being slightly fussy at times (sorry family) but just so, so grateful—and grateful that I’m not taking prednisone anymore. Yes.

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31 thoughts on “That fussy yet grateful moment

  1. abodyofhope

    This truly spoke to my heart. Adopting has been a dream of mine as well. I can relate so much to all you have said.
    After spending the first 7 years of my illness in fear of what my future holds, my very worst nightmares came true these past few years, but now I am here. God has been with me through this storm, and I think of this verse:
    “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
    Done fearing.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. DanielleChoosingHope

    I love your beautiful perspective on living with an illness. One of the hardest things for me to do was to accept that I couldn’t work anymore. I worked with mentally ill teenagers, and I felt so alive and passionate at work. But God had other plans, and there is goodness to be found where I am. I suspect leaving your job with special needs kids was tough, too.

    We are not alone, thank God. Keep walking this journey. We can do this.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Savannah Hardcastle

      Hi Danielle, well thanks. Yea in my tough moments im learning what i have to be grateful for…
      Im sure leaving your job was tough too….
      But you’re right, God has other plans. Dont ever give up :)
      I find my biggest struggles is all the medicines I have to take every morning….like it’s a tough thing knowing I’m going to be waking up taking this medicine everyday forever….according to my doctor ofcourse. But still, God is my forever–and my faith will never waiver. He is good to us, always :)

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Marianne

    You always write your feelings so beautifully, Savannah. I am sorry that you are experiencing so much pain and upheaval in your life. I am glad you are back where you are loved and surrounded by love.

    God does not desire that you be in pain with any illness, let alone a chronic autoimmune disorder. Most every illness is due to some deeper issue. If not dealt with, these issues stay with us and fester within – sometimes unconsciously,and make us prime targets for physical illness to take hold. Usually it is an anger or resentment of some sort. Perhaps not being able to speak up for ourselves the way we should or would like. For some it may be guilt or regret of some kind. In all these cases they require punishment of some sort…anger we may hold for someone else will be dealt out to our own bodies if not dealt with properly. All the emotions of internal dialogues of what one wishes to say to another or about a situation, but dare not say, play havoc on our well-being.

    I am not saying that you have these particular issues, but I have not met a person yet who does not have something lingering within, that needs to be put to rest. Perhaps these were many of the demons that Jesus cast out of those who were tormented. All I know is that Jesus went about healing ALL who came to him and who were oppressed.

    My personal experiences have shown me that what I’m sharing with you hold much truth. Most people will say, well what about babies? Why do they acquire dis-eases when they haven’t had a chance yet to build up any of life’s turmoil. Babies are formed in and come from another adult…cells have memory. Everything…everything the mother is carrying in her, both physically and emotionally, is being passed on to the child; the food content and any contaminants in that food, the air quality, the water quality, etc. Not to mention the emotional contaminants that the mother may be unwittingly sharing with her yet to be born child.

    Anyway, my prayer for you is that your body heals, and that your life reveals the plans God has for you – plans to prosper you, not for woe. Plans to give you a hope and future – Jer. 29. You are a courageous, wonderful young woman. You know, I was not raised with the understanding of Isaiah…”He bore our…” He bore our. He bore it, so why are we bearing it? Sometimes I really have to ask myself that. He either bore it or He didn’t. He either healed all who came to Him or he didn’t. I think He did. Now my life, or should I say my Mouth, needs to be filled with what He did, what He promised, what He said.

    Blessings for your healing,Savannah,
    Marianne

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    • Savannah Hardcastle

      Ah Marianne. . .thank you for taking the time to read but more so, always giving me some good words.

      I am going to ponder this some more. . .after reading what you said.
      I am starting a prayer journal today, I just started my 2 week school break. I really want to hone in on somethings, prayer, and seek God deeply and intensely in this free- time I have. Not that I’m expecting something from God, but maybe I’ll encounter something amidst this, maybe I’ll learn something about myself within that I did not know I harbored, maybe God will change something within me that He’s been wanting to through all of this– I don’t know, but through it all my prayer should never cease.

      Thanks, Marianne. :)
      Have a beautiful, new week.
      -Sav

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  4. crosslife's spiritual realm

    Dear Savannah: I am touched by the courage you display despite the pain you are going through. I have come a long way too. Life pain (seen and unseen) can be a tough uphill battle for a season. What I can share is that God does not give up on us. Never. There is a definite good plan He has for us, just as you have tagged in your heading, Jeremiah 29:11. You have a future and a hope. Please continue to keep in touch. I like and admire this blog heading, “one mountain at a time”. Even Caleb, at an age of 85, went to Joshua and said, “give me this mountain!” (Joshua 14:11) Let’s say together the same, no matter what mountain we are facing. Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. (Romans 8:37)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. mithriluna

    Beautiful post Savannah. I really believe that Gratitude is what saves us from despair, losing hope. As long as I can find one thing to be grateful for, I can handle the not so good (unchangeable) parts of my life. God is always good to us. That is unchangeable too. Peace and healing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Savannah Hardcastle

      Thank you. God is indeed, always good to us. Changing my perspective sometimes is what helps the most. Being grateful is actually something that should always be within me, there is always something to be grateful for. Pain shouldn’t have an affect on that part of my life.
      Thanks for stopping by :)
      -Sav

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  6. neversaydi237

    Be well and be blessed you kind spirit! He loves you dearly and yes, you’re deserving of every grace He has for you. (which is so much more than we can fathom, how cool is that?) Stay strong and have a powerful week, you’re amazing!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. laurabennet

    Ah, Savannah. You are a woman after my own heart. I am blessed to be reading your heart in your words. And the words of wise women who have forged a beautiful path ahead of us. What a sweet, gentle spirit you have. I’d like to be like that when I grow up. :)
    I’m sorry for your struggle with lupus. I don’t know very much about it other than what I’ve researched trying to find answers to my illness. But regardless of the chronic illness we suffer, it wears on us emotionally and changes us spiritually. I see it seems to be growing you well in our Lord. Well done. I will add you to those I pray for. Thank you for stopping by my blog. I’m glad you liked it. I hope it holds encouragement for you. I love that Jesus speaks those two simple words, “Trust Me” and they hold so much grace, comfort, peace, encouragement and promise. Thank you for the reminder. I needed that today. May you be blessed with a restful day. :)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Savannah Hardcastle

      Hi Laura, well thanks so much.
      I was relating well with your post in regards to the frustration of confusion not knowing what’s wrong with your body! Many months went by of me being confused and sad and frustrated because I was told I needed to be doing exercise and this or that, but I know my body and I was listening to it and something was not right.

      The pain is weird, it’s like small burns or searing moments that last a few seconds anywhere. This is where my fussy comes in– I always wonder what’s going on!!

      But regardless of these moments, I will never forget God is there, open arms and all for comfort.
      Thanks for the read and I hope you enjoy this lovely Sunday.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Freedomborn ... Aussie Christian Focus

    How very True Savannah, you and I and all of God’s Redeemed Children are under His wings, yes even Teddy Bears can remind us He is near and we never walk alone.

    Psalm 91 1-4 He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of The Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in Him will I trust. Surely He shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under His wings shalt thou trust: His truth shall be thy shield and buckler.

    Christian Love Always – Anne

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  9. emusedone

    I love your analogy of God holding a larger Teddy Bear behind Him saying “just trust me”
    I know God didn’t “give me Lupus”. Or “allowed” it to invade. But I’m comforted knowing that I’m not alone in feeling, although my life that was is gone, the life yet to live will be ok :)
    Thank you for reminding me of that.

    Liked by 2 people

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