It’s midnight and the past couple days I’ve been feeling the discomfort of the achy burns I get. It comes and goes in different areas like the wrists and elbows or my legs, feet and knees. I usually don’t sleep well when I feel this. I took more pain medication and I’m sipping warm tea so I can fall asleep soon. Actually, I have a med for that too. I’m all sorts of fussy yet all sorts of gratefulness. The fussy comes in when I can’t figure out if it’s perhaps a medication that springs about my sharp pains still or the fact that I am not on a strict diet anymore. But even when I was strict dieting I still felt pain although I felt it helped some—it still came back in the night/mornings and I also lost too much weight and got this no good patulous eustachian tube ear dysfunction. I went down to 96 lbs. I’m barely 5 feet tall and 3 inches. That was not good.
The gratefulness comes in when I think, “It could be so much worse Sav. Pull it together.” Worse, I could still be taking prednisone (if you’ve taken it or are on it you know what I mean). I was doing fine once I started taking this arthritis relief medication along with my other lupus med and now I seem to be slightly heading backwards. I think I could be having a minor flare but I don’t know why. It’s medication, mixed medications, food, or a lack of a specific food right? Alternatively, it’s just Lupus being Lupus. Maybe it’s all of the above. At least I can say I went almost a month without a flare up. Praise God.
I’m thinking of one of the nights I lived in Colorado and I was watching the moon and how it shined on the mountains. I remember it vividly because it was a couple of days after they diagnosed me with SLE and I had spent a good portion of the day asking God what to do with this up and down pain and also feeling so confused as to why God wasn’t allowing me to give 100% to my job at the time. I was working with special needs children and near the end I was barely able to forcefully hold their little hands let alone even pick them up to put them on a swing. Then I looked up at the moon and it was just so bright it almost felt like I was looking at the sun. Though I was chilly, (I think I was running a fever at the time) I was feeling His sweet, warm presence all around me. I became content, just so content. He wasn’t not allowing me to do anything, it was just something He knew I could handle and it was my own poor perspective on the matter.
It’s safe to say that in my relationship with Jesus I am much like that little girl that doesn’t want to let go of her favorite teddy bear because of comfort but God is holding an even bigger teddy bear behind Him saying, “Just trust me.” I relate that with my life. What used to be comfortable, is not so comfortable anymore, but I know God has something greater in store for me.
I’m also thinking of the days I went on a light jog by my place and jogged by deer. I suppose I’m thinking of places that brought joy to me. Mountains, woods, lakes . . . those are my happy places– especially the smell of pine trees. Then I think of being grateful. Here I am back in Texas and I have one of the greatest things in life to be grateful for—my family’s love. I may not be hiking in the mountains, or fishing on a Colorado lake but I’m being loved and this is a happy place in my heart.
It could just be much worse but it’s not right now so I’ll continue being slightly fussy at times (sorry family) but just so, so grateful—and grateful that I’m not taking prednisone anymore. Yes.