My childhood was filled with affectionate and devoted parents. My mother and stepfather (I never actually call him that) raised me into who I am today. My youth was filled with bicycle rides on warm, sunlit days proceeded by frosty nights playing Monopoly with too many marshmallows in our hot cocoa mugs, but it wasn’t always like this.
Growing up, I had a father that was in and out of my life. When I was ingenuous and naïve, seeing him was my obsession I looked forward to the most on summers. Hearing from my teacher that my daddy was picking me up early always provoked the teachers who stood in the elementary hallways due to my inability to walk calmly to the front office. As I got older, things changed and I’d see him less and less. When I’d visit him he was never really there, but I still loved him because he was my dad. Right before I headed to college, I remember calling him to see how he was doing. He never called me back and I remember the gulp in my throat later when I realized I’d heard his voice for the last time through his answering machine. I can’t say I was terribly staggered that day would come, but I will say it hurt like hell. So just like that, I never heard from him again.
Around eight full years have passed by now, and I’ve come to terms with the fact that he’s probably never going to fight for me. The moment I allowed my stepfather to become my true father in my life is the moment I realized that blood means nothing when it comes to love; he never left, never broke my heart, and I still call him the best father in the world. The feeling of someone you love leaving your life or not fighting for you is painful though. You could say that heartbreak
slightly prepared me for my ex-boyfriend that would enter my life eight years later.
He was my first love and first dreadful heartbreak. I thought, there is no way I can possibly love someone this profoundly without him being it. He gave me deep promises he never should have that ended up broken and in turn, broke me. I remember fighting for the relationship in the last week we were together—meaning I was fighting off everything he had said to me that caused me the innermost heartache, because I loved him more than what he’d done. Though he apologized and we were OK, I realized that if everything else were stripped away, my love wasn’t enough for him. My heart felt tossed aside; insignificant in the end. I realized I wanted to be with someone that would love me back genuinely and not just when I met their conditions. I loved him from every vein of my heart and I live with no regrets for that, but I couldn’t live a lie. When I ended it, all was confirmed when he didn’t fight for me. Instead of dashing to another relationship, I ran to God’s arms where I knew I needed to restore the right way—best decision I ever made.
“I know heartbreak is hard. But don’t resist the blessing of brokenness that tills the ground of your heart. Breaking up the unplowed ground of your heart will make it ready for new life, new growth, new maturity in you that can’t be found any other way.” – Lysa TerKeurst
It was difficult finding full healing amidst the brokenness of my love for someone I fiercely loved not being enough, like it wasn’t for my father several years ago. Granted, it’s been half a year now, God filled the brokenness that was this season, and the light ache I talked about in my last post finally left. When it’s a nice evening out, my sister and I take walks with coffee around our apartment neighborhood and one day we stopped to smell the magnolias. I became overwhelmed with serenity and thankfulness for the vastness of who God is and how He works, especially this year—the people He’s brought into my life are nothing short of a blessing.
There was a painful, raw necessity of endurance that came with this season of heartbreak that has undeniably made my heart deeper, more resilient, and richer in love. Though I had a father leave without reason eight years ago and the first man I ever loved broke my heart six months ago, God has shown me His deepest love every second of my life, and this is where I find my serenity.
Your heart must always hold onto the fact that when people choose to walk away, it has nothing to do with the worth of your love or the worth of you not being enough. You are enough.
Heartbreak doesn’t alter how I love. I still choose to love fiercely and deeply; it’s the only love I know how to give. I realized some people aren’t meant to fight for you. Sometimes, there are certain people brought into specific chapters of your life not meant to stay through your whole book, otherwise ruining what God has really written for your life story. People come, people go, but never change the depth of your love for people. I certainly am not.
Thanks for this song, Mrs. Kelly Clarkson. It’s perfect.