The best journal I’ll ever look back on

I'm super excited in seeing how God continues to teach me through this.
I’m super excited in seeing how God continues to teach me through this.

There are so many ways to document one’s life via social media today especially with facebook being a “timeline” and all. However, documenting one’s prayer life would be a little more difficult via something like instagram or twitter or whatever else is up and running today. I finally started a prayer journal. It’s helped me see things I need work on– things I had no idea were even an issue. I feel like sharing what prayer is doing so far in my life. This song is essentially self-explanatory about what happens once I start praying. He lights up my room and my life: When You Walk into the Room.

There are times in my life when I’ve questioned prayer and I choose to worry instead of pray. This is where I fail. However, in the moments when I choose to pray– w o w, no wonder God’s word says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” (Philippians 4:6, NIV). One of my biggest dreams in life is to adopt. My first blog post was in dedication to that dream and to Hope. My first mini internship was for an organization called Christian Alliance for Orphans, and it was during that time my hope to adopt only spurred on more heavily. Knowing the heavy need for children without families out there is heart-wrenching and sad. I long to be an adoptive mother to a child who needs someone to have dinners with, outside play dates with during the day, and someone to soothe them to sleep at night. I want to be a child’s forever.

I was flipping through my child hood bible and found this within the sheets. I must have written these when I was 10. I thought it was quite relevant to this post.

It wasn’t until somewhere in between my different doctor visits recently that a thought about China adoption I read a long time ago struck me like lightning. Applicant must be free of any condition that would affect lifespan or the ability to parent, including autoimmune diseases and lifelong conditions requiring medication. All of a sudden, I just felt sad. I started to have flashes of my doctor saying, “You will be on this medication for life,” and how I mumbled out words to him about what would happen to me if I just stopped taking medication all together. I wanted to be a magical fairy and tap my body with a magical wand. Zap . . . done. The pessimistic, realist, wrong part of me who doesn’t pray first would think, well you can’t adopt nowYou have a chronic illness, no cure, not ever. Give it up. However, the optimistic, fervent praying part of me would think, “My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever” (Psalm 73: 26, NLT). Prayer has helped me see I have an issue with worry. Worry and stress only add onto my shooting burns and flares. When you’re told you have an immune system that’s attacking healthy tissue in your body and it’s unpredictable, sometimes you just can’t help all the places your mind wanders. So then I get disappointed and it ruins me until I eventually get drained. My last check up I was told my lupus should stay the way it has been level wise, mild and non-affecting to organs. It’s only affected tissues regarding my joints. Okay, so I know what to expect pain wise and yet I still get worried and it hurts when I’m inflamed. So the two things I seem to worry about the most are my health and my future. When I feel helpless, I’m learning to pray instead of worry and journaling is helping me keep up with that.

One of the greatest realizations I’ve had doing this journal is that instead of thinking God needs to help me accomplish this goal or that dream, I get the sense He’s trying to develop my character through suffering more than anything. Regardless if I am suffering or not, I am praying for myself to stop worrying and for what other character traits I need work on. “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Romans 5:3-4, NIV). I know that I am young but things like adoption, stabilizing my career and financials, and taking in children that need families are things that I desire in life.

My young age is the time to make firm foundations for myself and there is nothing wrong with that. What is wrong, is when worry and doubt soak in the cracks of the foundations I am trying to build. My future doesn’t deserve that.

This was when I was on top of some rocks at Garden of the Gods when I lived in Colorado Springs, CO. God was always with me, and He always will be.
This was when I was on top of some rocks at Garden of the Gods when I lived in Colorado Springs, CO. God was always with me, and He always will be.

Worrying is something I’m giving up on. I’m crumbling it up in my hands, climbing all the way to the top of a mountain, and throwing it into the abyss. I’m climbing with God again holding my journal, and His hand in the other. He’s the lead— He’s much tougher than I am and I want Him to have all the control. No matter what storm comes my way I’ll always be okay, because I let God take the reins. The thing is, I don’t believe in magical fairies or magical wands. I believe in the power of God and the pen He holds writing my life story.

Maybe the bigger picture here above all else is learning to surrender my whole life to God, letting Him write it all. That’s it Savannah– just drop the darn pen. The journey of life is no simple thing but it is a journey— a prayerful one I want God to write. The only pen I should be carrying is the one to my prayer journal.

And it will be the best journal I’ll ever look back on.

More prayer. Less worry.

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Thankful thoughts

I’ve always been one that plans out the future. I love being sure of things. . .but sometimes for just a moment, I’m not. I’m talking about exactly where I’ll be in five months. Everyone knows I want to be in the mountains of Colorado, and that I’ll be graduating soon but I don’t know exactly what I’ll be doing. I’m getting use to holding onto my faith. Faith is key here and it has been quite the lovely and bumpy road with God.

But there’s one thing I am sure of and that’s Hope. I remember writing about her as one of my first ‘blog’ entries I ever did, and it seems from those nine months ago that my heart has just grown more and more for her. Before I went to sleep last night, I was feeling  so much love just thinking about the first time I’ll hold her little hand or the first time I’ll get to carry her when they place her in my arms. I’ve already had dreams of this little girl in my arms and it feels so surreal. I know God has been giving me dreams of that moment because He’s telling me to hold on and to remember that feeling because it will happen one day. I thank God for blessing me with the life that I have: the shelter, food, college, the unconditional love from my family and close friends. I thank God for at least giving me direction after graduation and what I’ll be looking into next semester for a career. I thank God for placing the heart of adoption in me with passion and fuel. I thank God for self-control at my age, and the wisdom to know good from evil. I thank God for loving me. . .and sending His son to die on the cross for me. These are just some of my late night thankful thoughts.

I’m praying for you, Hope.

Much love,

Savannah

He is my every lit wave on the ocean

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Good things are coming. I think this quote can apply to many things in life. I’m in the middle of one of those weeks where it was bumpy, and I’m like in the middle of the ocean and I see a few big waves left, but the big one I got through without flipping over. I can see the horizon a way’s away and the sea is calm. It’s also glistening with that pretty sunlit gleam. God is so good and the moments in life that are just a tad difficult; they usually always end up in victory. I believe that has happened this week for me.

I just want to give glory to God in this . . . because He always seems to never fail me– ever. He is my every lit wave on the ocean and He’s the one holding the other boat paddle tightly guiding me and granting me my hearts desires because I’m delighting in Him. Do you ever have those moments where you say, “Good lord, how do I deserve this from you, God?” I’ll be the first to admit I’m not perfect, not EVEN close, but God loves me. He’s someone I can always lean on and never let go. Sometimes I wish He were physically there where I could rest my head on his shoulder and cry only to Him, but I know He’s here in spirit with me. The Bible is the next best thing to just read and rest your head on. I do that sometimes.

I’m still in my boat, and I’m holding onto only one boat paddle while God holds the other one. Together we will row and row and row some more . . . go through the big waves together in the ocean, then small waves until He grabs my hand in replace of the boat paddle I’m holding and we sit and just watch that beauty of a sun go down.

These past three and a half years have been quite possibly some of the most life changing years of my life. The whole college thing has changed me for the better. It’s funny how it’s all worked out. I would fight God on going here three years ago, until He actually confirmed my coming to this school through His word. It was a little scary, but I knew if I didn’t go through with it I wouldn’t be happy. It’s surreal to think by next semester I’ll be saying goodbye to this school after four long years for good. As each day passes, I am getting closer to where I really want to be. Whether it’s in the mountains, on the water, in Colorado, traveling on my own, or having new experiences. When every New Year passes I’m a year closer to adopting Hope; my future joy. These early years in life are important to me, it’s about deciding what you want to do in life, where you want to be and start making the plans to make it all happen. Swag and yolo will change one day. I guess perspectives are always changing though. I always hear how we’re not promised tomorrow. I just always figured that meant live as if today is your last; that means different things to different people everywhere though. For me, it is looking forward to the next day in hopes that I may fulfill Gods plan and will in my life. I don’t know when He’s going to take me but I sure would love the chance to take in a little gal from China one day. And you see, I think He knows that. He wants us to be happy. That is why I’m keeping hope in that dream and starting now, planning now, and securing myself now.

In the end, God will always get victory. I plan to follow His direction along the way; and if making sacrifices along the way is what I have to do, then so be it. For crying aloud, if God could sacrifice His only son Jesus, who are we not to make sacrifices throughout life right?

Don’t worry, God’s holding that other boat paddle. Just let Him do the steering.

China Adoption | She’s growing in my heart more every day

Sometimes I imagine a world where every little child had someone to love them. I guess in actuality they do–that being Jesus Christ. I’d love to adopt from China.  I will be a blessed mother whether she has special needs or not. My dream is that I can give a soul out there hope again. . .which is why I am going to name her Hope. I chatted with an adoptive parent who told me that at age 29 would be a good age to start the dossier(which is basically every single document about your life and on your life you can think of) so that by the age of 30 you can send it to the CCCWA and get matched!

Adoption is something I would love to do in my future however there are many different things one must take into account before just stating it. Though adoption has been in my heart for a couple years now, I started researching only a year ago and have discovered many things that are required in order to adopt. They go through criminal history, health history, parental history, your education level. . .there’s household requirements, marriage and financial requirements. . .it doesn’t look like anything that would get in the way or make me  ineligible to adopt. I’ve never been one to break rules or go against the law. I would consider myself a rather healthy person and I’d say I’m well on my way to starting the dossier by the time I’m 29.

5bbd2a5c631f5ac8eaa4f402c72b8eccI think the only thing that gets me worried is marriage. In order to adopt, my (future) husband and I need to have at least been married 2 years. . .that’s not that bad right? Either way, God is in control. And even so, if I wasn’t married at least 2 years before I turn 30, a new law was passed back in 11March2011 in which a single woman can adopt with out being married through China’s Special Focus Adoption Program. Though, I would prefer to be married so that she can have both a mother and a father. . . not having a man won’t stop me. But I believe when we delight in God. . .He gives us the desires of our hearts : Psalm 37:4.

I know time flies.  . .and my heart already feels love for someone I’ve never met. Everything I do now is for my future and every little thing I do matters. Finishing college and finding a job that I love is important to me for my future. The little things do matter and I’m not letting anything get in the way. I love quotes and I saw the greatest little saying that held dear to my heart. “Adoption is when a child grows in it’s mommy’s heart instead of her tummy.” Though mothers who bear children love there children just as much as adoptive parents. . .I thought it was rather precious– in a literal sense.

“Father to the fatherless, defender of widows — this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families” (Psalms 68:5-6). “And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me” (Matthew 18:5).

Thanks for reading. Cheers to my first blog post! I hope to share more of my heart with you, awesome readers.

-Savannah