The best journal I’ll ever look back on

I'm super excited in seeing how God continues to teach me through this.
I’m super excited in seeing how God continues to teach me through this.

There are so many ways to document one’s life via social media today especially with facebook being a “timeline” and all. However, documenting one’s prayer life would be a little more difficult via something like instagram or twitter or whatever else is up and running today. I finally started a prayer journal. It’s helped me see things I need work on– things I had no idea were even an issue. I feel like sharing what prayer is doing so far in my life. This song is essentially self-explanatory about what happens once I start praying. He lights up my room and my life: When You Walk into the Room.

There are times in my life when I’ve questioned prayer and I choose to worry instead of pray. This is where I fail. However, in the moments when I choose to pray– w o w, no wonder God’s word says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” (Philippians 4:6, NIV). One of my biggest dreams in life is to adopt. My first blog post was in dedication to that dream and to Hope. My first mini internship was for an organization called Christian Alliance for Orphans, and it was during that time my hope to adopt only spurred on more heavily. Knowing the heavy need for children without families out there is heart-wrenching and sad. I long to be an adoptive mother to a child who needs someone to have dinners with, outside play dates with during the day, and someone to soothe them to sleep at night. I want to be a child’s forever.

I was flipping through my child hood bible and found this within the sheets. I must have written these when I was 10. I thought it was quite relevant to this post.

It wasn’t until somewhere in between my different doctor visits recently that a thought about China adoption I read a long time ago struck me like lightning. Applicant must be free of any condition that would affect lifespan or the ability to parent, including autoimmune diseases and lifelong conditions requiring medication. All of a sudden, I just felt sad. I started to have flashes of my doctor saying, “You will be on this medication for life,” and how I mumbled out words to him about what would happen to me if I just stopped taking medication all together. I wanted to be a magical fairy and tap my body with a magical wand. Zap . . . done. The pessimistic, realist, wrong part of me who doesn’t pray first would think, well you can’t adopt nowYou have a chronic illness, no cure, not ever. Give it up. However, the optimistic, fervent praying part of me would think, “My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever” (Psalm 73: 26, NLT). Prayer has helped me see I have an issue with worry. Worry and stress only add onto my shooting burns and flares. When you’re told you have an immune system that’s attacking healthy tissue in your body and it’s unpredictable, sometimes you just can’t help all the places your mind wanders. So then I get disappointed and it ruins me until I eventually get drained. My last check up I was told my lupus should stay the way it has been level wise, mild and non-affecting to organs. It’s only affected tissues regarding my joints. Okay, so I know what to expect pain wise and yet I still get worried and it hurts when I’m inflamed. So the two things I seem to worry about the most are my health and my future. When I feel helpless, I’m learning to pray instead of worry and journaling is helping me keep up with that.

One of the greatest realizations I’ve had doing this journal is that instead of thinking God needs to help me accomplish this goal or that dream, I get the sense He’s trying to develop my character through suffering more than anything. Regardless if I am suffering or not, I am praying for myself to stop worrying and for what other character traits I need work on. “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Romans 5:3-4, NIV). I know that I am young but things like adoption, stabilizing my career and financials, and taking in children that need families are things that I desire in life.

My young age is the time to make firm foundations for myself and there is nothing wrong with that. What is wrong, is when worry and doubt soak in the cracks of the foundations I am trying to build. My future doesn’t deserve that.

This was when I was on top of some rocks at Garden of the Gods when I lived in Colorado Springs, CO. God was always with me, and He always will be.
This was when I was on top of some rocks at Garden of the Gods when I lived in Colorado Springs, CO. God was always with me, and He always will be.

Worrying is something I’m giving up on. I’m crumbling it up in my hands, climbing all the way to the top of a mountain, and throwing it into the abyss. I’m climbing with God again holding my journal, and His hand in the other. He’s the lead— He’s much tougher than I am and I want Him to have all the control. No matter what storm comes my way I’ll always be okay, because I let God take the reins. The thing is, I don’t believe in magical fairies or magical wands. I believe in the power of God and the pen He holds writing my life story.

Maybe the bigger picture here above all else is learning to surrender my whole life to God, letting Him write it all. That’s it Savannah– just drop the darn pen. The journey of life is no simple thing but it is a journey— a prayerful one I want God to write. The only pen I should be carrying is the one to my prayer journal.

And it will be the best journal I’ll ever look back on.

More prayer. Less worry.

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Thankful thoughts

I’ve always been one that plans out the future. I love being sure of things. . .but sometimes for just a moment, I’m not. I’m talking about exactly where I’ll be in five months. Everyone knows I want to be in the mountains of Colorado, and that I’ll be graduating soon but I don’t know exactly what I’ll be doing. I’m getting use to holding onto my faith. Faith is key here and it has been quite the lovely and bumpy road with God.

But there’s one thing I am sure of and that’s Hope. I remember writing about her as one of my first ‘blog’ entries I ever did, and it seems from those nine months ago that my heart has just grown more and more for her. Before I went to sleep last night, I was feeling  so much love just thinking about the first time I’ll hold her little hand or the first time I’ll get to carry her when they place her in my arms. I’ve already had dreams of this little girl in my arms and it feels so surreal. I know God has been giving me dreams of that moment because He’s telling me to hold on and to remember that feeling because it will happen one day. I thank God for blessing me with the life that I have: the shelter, food, college, the unconditional love from my family and close friends. I thank God for at least giving me direction after graduation and what I’ll be looking into next semester for a career. I thank God for placing the heart of adoption in me with passion and fuel. I thank God for self-control at my age, and the wisdom to know good from evil. I thank God for loving me. . .and sending His son to die on the cross for me. These are just some of my late night thankful thoughts.

I’m praying for you, Hope.

Much love,

Savannah